We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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