I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is Oprah even human
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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