And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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