The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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