I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
