alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
