I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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