everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
