sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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