god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
