I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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