i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am spending my child support on dildos
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize