im six kinds of drunk right now
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm at about main and main street
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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