i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
