remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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