You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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