My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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