just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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