who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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