captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize