He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
