Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
