Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
