im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize