The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
