I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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