Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As shirtless as possible
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
