In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
