Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
