you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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