maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My vagina is officially offended.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
