I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
