you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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