I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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