It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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