I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize