don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
