I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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