You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
