saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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