The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
