So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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