Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
