Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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