it hurts more in the daytime
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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