New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
