I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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