im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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