Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
