He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
