This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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