I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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