Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
