Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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