Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just want nice things and good sex
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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