Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
