god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
