If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
