yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
