I hate your face
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
