I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
