she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
